We were given a manila envelope and told to fill out all of the paperwork inside before his next appointment in 3 weeks. I sat down that very night armed with a pencil and a Diet Coke. This shouldn’t be hard. Just answer the questions.
“Distracted by external stimuli?”
“Often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected?”
“Often does not follow through instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)”
“Poor performance in Schoolwork.”
“Careless…” “Impulsive…” “Disorganized…” ..trouble focusing..” “difficult..” “Mean spirited…”
I answered all of the questions on 3 or 4 different forms. I sat back, relieved… for a moment. Then I looked at what I had done…spent hours judging my son. Picking his behavior apart. Saying that he was not perfect. That our family is not perfect. That I am a bad Mom. I mean, shouldn’t I have been able to fix this? I saw ADHD in him years ago. I talked myself out of it, “He’s just being a kid.”
We sat in the Doctors office today for 2 hours while he made his diagnosis. He was VERY thorough!
In the end he gave us the diagnosis. Explained the reason why his brain works this way. Gave us choices in how to proceed. We left the office with one excited 6 year old (he can’t wait to start taking his pills), samples of medication, (and prescription for more) and a sense of relief. A Dr. had finally confirmed it.
Not even an hour had passed before I got the biggest lump in my throat.
What had I done?
What had I done wrong?
I had failed my son. My son that I had worked so hard to protect.
For years after he came to live with us I was afraid to speak to him harshly, or discipline him because I felt so guilty that he had lived in an Orphanage for 15 months. Maybe that is where I had failed him.
I love this boy. He is precious. He is perfect.
This is not his fault, and I know
it is not my fault either.
Why do I still feel like it is?